The lonely “Free Zone”

We spoke to Michelle and Morena, two friends that know all too well what you can expect to experience. “A rollercoaster of emotion, desolation, disbelief and adapting to your “new norm” is particularly difficult.

Divorce:

Michelle says “Although I felt a lot of relief at leaving the marriage, I had no time to deal with my own emotions”

The most challenging aspect was the small flat that became her new home. Claustrophobia became her new companion. Exhaustion and anxiety due to working twice as hard to meet expenses was unrelenting. She put her child’s emotional and physical needs above all, thereby not dealing with her own difficulties. Being distracted from dealing with her own needs meant her own healing took longer.

Death:

After 34 years of marriage to her best friend and confidante,  Morena  found of husband being gone debilitating. The hole in her heart was soul destroying and the silence of a quiet house became deafening. She says “I kept myself busy by cleaning the garden and sorting out clutter accumulated throughout the years.” This in itself was truly heart-breaking. Everything was reminiscent of her musician husband. She also put her own healing on hold to support her family. Whilst experiencing lockdown alone gave her time to think, helping the family struggle with their grief was easier. The distraction meant confronting her deep loss and grief allowed depression to set in occasionally.

A professional family trauma counsellor says regulating the family to these life changing events is paramount. Flooding your life with endless consultations with mental health practioner is counterintuitive.  Revealing your feelings constantly and getting them out into the open is more important. Severe trauma can result by not doing this. It is also important to have a support system outside of the immediate circle of friends and family dealing with their own loss.

Flipside

The only positive most people suffering from loss experience during the process of starting over; is the decrease in daily responsibilities in and around the house. Even small things like changing the direction of your personal style or lifestyle can be liberating.

Clearing clutter, maybe moving to a different house or town encourages massive growth. Settling in a foreign area takes time and this tremendous change could encourage depression. Therefore, when relocating, ensure that you have some form of support system.

However, these positives are wholly dependent on whether the person works through each step in the grief cycle.

Within a few years, after loss a very liberating faze in your life ensues as you learn to cope with life single handily. You may even have a renewed sense of self-worth, say Professionals.

Bottom line:

Being single is challenging. Take heart. Most people, usually those marrying young, can have more personal growth within the first five years of  than within a lifetime of being in a relationship.

“Accept the things you can’t change and change the things you can”. Especially your mental wellbeing. The sun will come up again, depending on the work you put in and how much you want it. Take the time to find your former or new self. Cherish memories, but don’t let loss define the rest of your life.